Sixteen strategies for dealing with an overly active child

Sixteen Strategies for Dealing with Hyperactive Children

Based on the research of John Gottman

John Gottman is the founder of an educational and research institute specializing in the study and prediction of successful marital relationships. Forty years of continuous effort and research on the stability of marriages involving over 3000 couples has earned him hundreds of awards. In his institute, he strives to identify and document factors that lead to marital dissatisfaction and, consequently, divorce.

Dr. Gottman invites couples to a specially equipped apartment on weekends, known as the “Love Lab,” where he meticulously examines their relationships and ultimately predicts with very high accuracy the stability or instability of their relationship.

According to Gottman, the most destructive behaviors in a relationship are:

1. Criticism: Criticizing instead of complaining, where the personal qualities of the partner are called into question.
2. Contempt: Expressing statements that convey superiority, which is one of the key factors in destroying a marital relationship. Such conversations should be eliminated from the couple’s interactions using precise scientific methods. For example, calling someone an idiot!
3. Defensiveness: Defending oneself with anger or expressing statements indicating innocence, or launching attacks in conversations to defend oneself. For example, “I’m not the one who is always late, it’s you!”

4. Mutual Drift: Couples fail to receive the expected signs in their communication. For instance, one person in a couple expects a specific response at the end of a conversation but does not get the appropriate feedback.

   Key ways to enhance marital relationships, based on studies and research by Dr. Gottman include:
   Seeking help earlier than later: Often, couples seek assistance to resolve their communication issues after six years of marriage. (Half of marriages end within 7 years.)
   Self-correction: Happy couples avoid expressing any critical thoughts during sensitive discussions and instead focus on recognizing their own flaws and working to rectify them.
   Starting calmly: Discussions between couples often escalate due to critical and demeaning labels from one party. An effective alternative is calmly resolving issues without blame.
   Being influenceable: Successful marital relationships involve a husband who is open to acceptance and influence. When a wife asks, “Do you have plans for the weekend? I’ve invited my family and need your help,” and the husband responds, “I’ve already made plans and can’t change them,” it indicates a shaky relationship. Research shows that men are less influenced than women, leading to relationship issues.
   Maintaining high standards in relationships: Most happy and successful couples are those who, from the beginning of their marriage (not after several years), reject any destructive behavior from their partner. A low tolerance threshold for negative and unpleasant behaviors at the start of a relationship sets the stage for future relationship success.

Learning the skills of conflict resolution and de-escalation: Happy couples know when to leave an argument or modify conditions in a way that prevents further escalation. Condition-improving skills include: using humour, showing empathy (“I understand you”), stating common ground (“We will overcome this common issue”), supporting, and appreciating. When the argument heats up, take a 20-minute break to calm down and then resume the discussion.

Positivity: Happy couples, while discussing issues, use a ratio of 5 to 1 of positive to negative statements about each other. For example, “We had many happy moments together” instead of “We were never happy.” Try to create a cloud of positive thoughts against your own negative emotions reservoir.

Source: Official website of the Gottman Institute.

Azadeh Rezazadeh, Translator